Little Users and Abusers

March 1, 2016

Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is?

It’s when someone is held captive or hostage and after a certain amount of time the hostage becomes “conditioned” to believe in some false sense of security or that they do in fact love this arsehole.

I think I have Stockholm syndrome.

That’s literally the only reasonable explanation for why I love toddlers so much despite the following factors…

1) They ruin your social life, I haven’t been invited to a friend house since the twins started walking. Maybe my friends are fucked, maybe my twins are fucked… Maybe it’s me

2) They threaten you..

Toddlers love threatening us with their safety, they run right up to the road while you’re putting the newborn into the pram, staring at you, they are actually getting a rise out of your fear.

3) They can sense when you’re weak.. Pregnant or with a newborn or hungover, toddlers capitalise on your weakness. Don’t wake up hungover on a Sunday and not expect to hear chairs being dragged along the floor to to the fridge and your Ferrero Rochers being peeled open.

4) They stalk you.

There is no hiding from a toddler, no shitting in privacy, no quiet phone call, no special alone time feeding a baby… Toddlers are total creepy stalkers… Always watching.

5) They don’t let you nap.

Even if you’re heavily pregnant and manage to find a movie that they fucking love thinking you might get a sneaky nap in on the couch next to them.. Toddlers use super human strength to keep one eye on the TV and one eye on you, the minute you drift off their chubby little fingers will pry open your eyes.. There will be no sleeping mum.

Yet we laugh at all their stupid little jokes, we sniff their hair that smells like food mixed with sweat and that makes us melt. They smash us over the head with their bottles, we snatch it off them and snatch a kiss before they run off.

We go to ridiculous lengths to make them laugh.. We cancel nights out because we want to blow raspberries on their pokey out little bellies.

They are our sweet royal rulers and we blindly take honour in serving the little fuckers until the day we die.

Definite Stockholm syndrome.

Constance Hall

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Constance Hall

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